At the time of writing, Philippe Mayhew was the father of a 16-year-old daughter and two boys aged 14 and 12. For several years, he was director of the A.E.E. France (Gospel and Children’s Association) and was in charge of developing the work of this association with pre-teens in France and other European countries.

Imagine that the preteens you teach talk about you in your absence. “Philip, he is… ». How do you think they would finish the sentence? He’s very cool! It’s lame! He’s a nice guy. He’s serious! He’s old! How would you like them to finish it? He’s an example! He’s a friend! A good teacher! … Their perception is significant of the relationship we have with them.

Illustration: In Mc Do, young people were talking about me in my absence. Comments reported by another official who could hear them. “We have a great time with Philip, but when you study the Bible, it’s serious!”

We will reflect on our relationship with the preteens we teach, on the balance to be sought. I will give practical ideas to build this relationship.

1. Relationship: A Necessity

Fundamental principle for the teaching of 11-14 year olds: the impact of our teaching depends very much on the relationship we have established with young people.
If contact is made, if the current passes, we can bring a lot to them. Conversely, if the pre-teens do not hook up with their teacher, they disconnect, no longer really listen to the teaching given. You may have experienced this or seen this: preteens who look on the floor, or talk with the neighbor, totally disinterested in what the leader of the group says.
Relationship is essential. That’s the platform we’re going to be able to work on. If it is not established, perhaps it is better to go bowling first to weave the bonds that will then guide these pre-teens on a spiritual level.

2. He is no longer a child

A young child accepts his teacher (usually) and the teaching he gives. He naturally places himself under the influence of the adult, receives his words as true. But the preteen is no longer a child who receives an education without flinching. He doesn’t respect the monitor because he’s an adult, but because he brings something to him.

He is on his way to adulthood. He is in a phase where he exercises his critical sense, examines the teaching received, forges a more personal opinion. It no longer has the same relationship with the adult.
In the school setting, he is expected to bend and listen. He has a hard time accepting it. Often a power relationship is established with the teachers. Outside of school, in the club or church, we would like to avoid the same balance of power. We would like to see the new needs of preteens taken into account. We should be able to become spiritual guides for them. It is not easy to establish a balanced relationship.

Pre-teens should be considered adults in training: they do not want to be treated like children. Moreover, the preteen is in a period where he forges convictions that will mark him for life. He is in a period where his body is in turmoil and he receives all kinds of influences. And it’s not innocent that marketing is very interested in this age group in its advertising.

The preteen does not passively receive teaching. He asks questions to forge his own convictions and questions what he has learned. In what we bring to him, he wonders if it makes sense in his life. The questioning of preteens is normal, it is even healthy and should not scare us. On the contrary, we must take their questioning as opportunities to help them, to accompany them in the process of building their conviction.

3. A balance to be found between buddy and leader

If you lean to one side, you are too authoritarian, distant. We may be able to impose order, but contact and teaching do not pass. Preteens do not share their experiences, do not open up and are impervious to our influence.
If you lean to the other side, you are too “buddy-buddy”. We’re having a good time with them. We tell each other a lot of things. But as soon as you want to teach the group, lead it, give it direction, you can quickly get eaten. There is no respect necessary.

– > Fragile balance to find.

4. Biblical lighting

Consider a passage from Scripture: 2 Kings 6.1-7 . They are Elisha and the sons of prophets.
We do not know how old these disciples were, but their behaviour suggests that some of them must have been young. Let us be especially attentive to the nature of Elisha’s relationship with them.
6.1-2a: What do you notice?
Proximity: He taught them in a small place.
Listen: Elisha was accessible. The disciples could talk to him, give him their opinion. He accepted the dialogue.
6.2b: Thinks of preteens getting excited about a project. What do you notice in Elisha’s attitude?
Flexibility: Instead of giving them 36 caveats, he lets them “live their experience.” The rope is there, but it’s long. Elisha is flexible, ready to review her plans, ready to accept initiatives from the disciples.
6.3 – 4a: reminds us of the reaction of preteens: “Yes, but we still need you!” Full of ideas but inexperienced and still dependent on the adult.
One can imagine Elisha following the enthusiastic group. For now, he is at the back, back, but his presence is essential.
6.4b-5 Typically preteens: borrow and then misplace.
Relief in difficulty: Elisha is present and will be able to intervene.
6.6-7

Man of God: Notice that the text no longer speaks of Elisha but of the man of God. It is close to the Lord. It is the instrument of a miracle that has undoubtedly changed the lives of these young disciples. He is an example to them.
Leader: See the authority with which he intervenes when the problem arises, and the obedience of the disciple who had brought down the iron. Elisha is respected by this group who consider him their spiritual leader.

– > Nice balance between flexibility and authority.
– > Challenge for us to do the same.
– > Seek above all spiritual authority. We are teachers of the Word of God and spiritual examples.

5. Notes and suggestions for building the relationship

Take the time to build the relationship

Connecting inevitably takes time. In our busy schedules, are we ready to make room for the preteens we teach? Our efforts will be greatly rewarded.
An illustration: David, a totally closed young man, refused the discussion for two years while I was taking him home. My perseverance was proven. One day in the car, when we were coming back from a weekend, there was a first opening. Later this young man joined the church and played the piano on Sundays. Building the relationship is worth it!

Communicate

Young people live in a world of communication in which modern means have a great place. Let’s think about how to network with them without trying to become one of them.

Taking an interest in their lives

You have to take the time to talk to them. What do we know about their studies? their sports activities? Musical? Why not discover the characters they embody in networked games – a whole facet of the preteen life that adults don’t see, when it’s very important for many preteens today.
What’s the point of discovering all this? Show the value you give to pre-teens; Understand what they are, what they are going through; be able to better apply our teaching by taking into account the context of pre-teens…

Be prepared to share their difficulties

Pre-adolescence is a period of great turbulence. They’re very shaken up. They’re looking for identity. Their convictions are formed. External influences are numerous: media, friends… And they inevitably make mistakes. These errors have more or less serious consequences. Many preteens suffer and need to be surrounded, loved, accepted. You have to take the time to hear these difficulties, these fears.
Illustration: an extreme heavy case to bear: a 15-year-old girl, at the end of the meeting, comes to me to tell me that she slept with a boyfriend, is pregnant, has not told her parents but wants me to know…!
Working with young people can include difficult situations, sleepless nights…

Visiting young people at home

A short visit by families at the beginning of the year to announce the resumption of the program and planned activities – or a visit as a weekend or camp approaches to advertise and answer questions.

What’s the point of going to their homes?

• show our interest in the young
• build the relationship also with the parents
• discover the young person in his frame
• better apply our teaching later on

What’s not to be done?

• stay too long (unless requested)
• make the young person uncomfortable
• not respecting the confidentiality of certain things that happen in the group (beginning of relationship between a girl and a guy)
• discuss with parents a controversial subject (politics, papacy…)

Combine teaching and outings in the curriculum

It is not by conducting a study that you will get to know young people best, but rather by going to play a great game in the forest.

• give ideas for outings
• build the program by taking into account their ideas, their wishes
• Make a list of activities, possible meals and study themes
• to hold a vote at the beginning of the year. Give the preteens 3 cartons 0, 1, and 3 that they will brandish. So you’ll know what the band wants to do.

They will see that you have taken their opinion into account. This reinforces the feeling that this group is theirs. They then want to invite friends.

• to live Bible studies interactively. Consider that they are moments of sharing, of exchange around the Word of God.
• learn how to prepare questions – they are the main educational tool with this age group.
• vary teaching methods to the maximum:

. case studies: form small groups that reflect on one subject and present the result to others. Then intervene.

. role-playing games. Be vigilant about what role is attributed to whom because some may not live their role well.

. The studio: bring a person from the church. And a preteen asks him questions like in an interview.

. Symposium: Young people prepare presentations that they present to others.

. brainstorming: young people write what goes through their heads. Either on scraps of paper. Either on a tablecloth that is rotated.

. Photos: Start discussions from a series of photos. Young people choose a photo and bring their thoughts from this medium.

Conclusion

Wouldn’t it be nice if the young people said: Philip is my friend and guide who helps me move forward with God?